Timing Is Everything.

I often speculate about the timing of having a baby. Throughout my lifetime, I have noticed a pattern about the terrible timing of conception. My two sisters were born in a time where my mother and her then husband were constantly feuding and battling about their problems. My brother was born when my mother and my brother's father were also fighting, and he left her before he was born. My youngest sister had both of her children at times where she was not financially stable, or permanently in a home. My oldest sister has yet to deliver her future son, but she found out about her being pregnant at the lowest point in her life, not just financially, but physically, emotionally, and mentally. The baby just seemed to be the icing on the cold, icy cake. Then, there was me. I was born into an already crazy and unstable family, and I witnessed first hand the highs and the lows. I was born when my parents were constantly bickering about their parenting styles, and not to mention, they weren't financially stable for a family of six at all.

I always wonder if the egg knows when the women is at a low point in her life, and decides that now is the time to give her a child. It definitely seems like when you want to have a baby, you're never able to get one, and when you don't want one, you always do. It sounds like a vicious cycle to me, and I'm not sure if I want to be apart of that at all in my lifetime.

Today I was contemplating how my life would be if I suddenly had a child to care for. This idea was triggered by a previous conversation with my mother after we found out my sister was having a boy, making that three grandsons and no granddaughters. We dove into a conversation about how we'll never have a granddaughter because that's what we want. It was then that I told her that I wasn't sure if I ever wanted to have children. They just seem like a hassle to me, though they are cute and chubby. I just don't see myself as a good parent. I'm lazy, I like to be alone and keep to myself, and I'm really not a people person. Raising a child with that personality just doesn't seem to mesh well to me.

Then again, why am I so worried about what's going to happen, if ever, in the future? I should be focusing on the now, and what I want for myself. I'll focus on my career, goals, and aspirations, and once those are completed, maybe I'll think about babies. But for now I'm just a baby myself, and still need time to grow and fend for myself, and only myself.